Insecurities
by Stillhopefulbutsad
Summary: What if a person loves someone more than they do. What if their insecurities get the best of them. What if trying to make things better it makes them worse. Can they recover from this or are they doomed from the start? First story ever. English is not my first language...so sorry. Hope you enjoy. SQ endgame. Thisstory will most likely have 3-4 chapters.
1. Chapter 1

Emma was sitting in a booth at Granny's nursing a cold beer and staring at her reflection in the window. Raindrops were starting to fall and a distant thunder was heard. It was Friday night and that means date night for Emma and Regina. Henry was with her parents and they were free to enjoy a night together. Well they would be if Regina hadn't been late, again.

Emma thought to their beginning it was hard but Emma thought it worth it. The secret sex in Regina's office or at the station, lustful looks at city councils and subtle glances at each other on the street. Eventually it was not enough and they decided that they should tell Henry and Emma's parents they are dating. Henry took it well, Emma's parents were confused, angry, hurt and then protective. It took a long time but at last they decided to let their past go.

The town was surprised and some people weren't happy but even they were pretty quiet now. Everyone was used to seeing Emma and Regina together. But Emma still had this feeling deep inside which she could not name. It was this cold that could not be extinguished, longing that could not be sated. For some time she could not identify what that feeling was, till today. She was patrolling in her car near the park. Since it was nice she decided to walk for a while. The weather was quite warm for a spring day and the sun was shining. It was late afternoon and people were out with their families. Then it hit her, the longing. She wanted to hold someone's hand, to peck someone's cheek, to hug and be hugged and watch TV snuggled with someone. And she so wanted that someone be Regina.

Just today she realized that Regina was never intimate or affectionate with her. There was sex of course and it was great and always satisfying. But as she thought about it they never hugged or hold hands. They kissed but merely when they were about to go to bed. Emma was always the one that initiated the make out sessions. She was the one that wanted to tell their family and go public with their relationship. She was the one that made surprise romantic dinners at home. She was the one that would bring both their lunches so they could eat together.

It hit her hard, she was always chasing after Regina, trying to be romantic and intimate, but it never was. Then she thought about their sex life. It was always full of passion with intense orgasms but not once had they made love. Every time Emma wanted to slow down and just feel and enjoy the moment Regina always turned it around and made her forget about it. Regina was always on top, always dictating every move, every position just about everything. There was not one time that she would let Emma touch her any other way than she wanted.

Since this afternoon's revelation Emma could not think, could not work or talk to anyone. She was just incredibly sad. But after a few hours of brooding she decided that tonight will be different, tonight they will finally be intimate in a way that she longed for so much and so long.

So here she was, alone in a booth at Granny's staring from the window and waiting for the love of her life that was thirty five minutes late. She didn't even notice when Regina walked in the diner till she sat at her table.

"Sorry I am late, those bureaucrats will destroy me. Did you already order or should I?"

"Sure, you can order." Emma replied evenly when she looked at the brunette.

"Are you OK, did something happen?"

"No everything's fine, just a little tired I guess."

"Alright then, what do you want to order? Let me guess burger and another beer?"

"Yeah, thanks." Emma decided then that she should start with her plan so she smiled and covered Regina's hand with her own.

The brunette barely acknowledged the touch and raised the hand to wave at Ruby to call her to the table. She didn't see Emma's smile drop and the brief flash of hurt across her eyes. She ordered their meal and asked about Henry and some town things throughout the dinner.

Emma for her part tried to touch Regina in some way, to steer their conversation to family outings and movie nights but was unsuccessful and after the meal she just stopped. They paid for their meal and walked home. If the Mayor noticed Emma's unusual quietness she didn't react to it and proceeded their evening like usual. They went home and had a glass of cider and watched a movie (another failed attempt at snuggling). And then they decided to go to bed.

After their night routine they laid in their bed and Emma decided to kiss the brunette and wanted to make love to her. So she turned and kissed her, slowly turning Regina on her back. Their kiss was getting too heated for Emma's plans and she purposefully slowed things down and caressed Regina's skin with her hands. Regina struggled and tried to dominate the kiss but was unsuccessful, till she flipped them over and started to knead Emma's breasts. Teeth started to nip at her lip and her skin and soon Emma was so turned on she almost forgot what she wanted to do. That was before Regina started to touch her center with fingers and bit at her neck. The slight pain made her open her eyes and stop moving.

Regina immediately felt the shift and looked at Emma questioningly. "Did you not want my fingers? Should I bring your favorite toy?" She asked seductively and resumed her movements.

Emma was still quiet and even Regina could feel that she was not enjoying her advances at all. "What's wrong? You don't want to have sex? I don't mind but I thought you wanted to."

"Finally after the whole evening you decided to question what's wrong and it's just because I didn't respond to your touch. Did you even notice anything or did you think everything was normal tonight?"

Regina sat up confused and looked at her lover. "I don't understand, what's happening?"

"What's happening is that I realized I never get to touch you, I never get to snuggle or hug you or just kiss you because I want. Everything we do together is decided by you and I don't even have a say. The whole night I was trying to be intimate with you. But every time I tried you pulled away. Even now, I wanted to make love to you. I wanted to cherish your body and enjoy exploring you slowly and lovingly. But as always you just pulled away and decided to have it your way." With every word Emma was closer and closer to tears and finally one slipped away.

Regina just stared at her. "You are just exaggerating. You know that I don't like to show my feelings to others and about our sex you always enjoy it this way."

"I wasn't asking for a make out session in the middle of Granny's I just wanted to feel like we are on an actual date not a business dinner. Tonight I just wanted to feel like I matter, like I am loved the same way I love you. But I guess I just don't, I never did, why should this be different. And yeah the sex is great but it's just that ... sex. I want to make love to you and vice versa not just chase an orgasm and scratch an itch. Is that so much to ask? Is it really too much to ask?"

"Emma you know I love you ..." Regina tried to placate the almost sobbing blonde.

"Do I? When was the last time you kissed me just because you could? When was the last time you actually talked to me about our family? Or when was the last time you actually showed up on our date on time? Do you even know?" After the quiet shake of Regina's head Emma continued. "Never. I am always the one that tries. I try to touch you, I try to snuggle with you, I am the one that tries all the time. But not once have you made an attempt to make me feel loved and appreciated. Not once, Regina. Do you even really love me or is it just playing family with benefits for you?"

"Emma that's not true. I do love you."

"Well after tonight I am done trying. I spent my whole life trying to change myself and fit somewhere, have a home. But I am done. If you really love me, you have to try to show me. I cannot continue like this. So as of tonight I am sleeping in the guest bedroom. If you want lunch buy it. If you want morning breakfasts make them." Emma stopped at the blank look on Regina's face. "I love you Regina with my whole heart but I just want to feel something from you other than lust. When you're ready I'm here. You are my true love" at that Regina's head snapped up and she looked at Emma questioningly "and I am not walking away or moving on. I am waiting for you to realize what you really want. When you figure it out and are ready to talk I'm here." with that she took her phone and her pillow and walked away, leaving Regina stunned.


	2. Chapter 2

Neither woman slept easily that night. Regina's brain was too wired to shut down and allow her to sleep. Different scenarios and situations flowing through her brain. Emma on the other hand cried herself to pitiful sleep. Nightmares and memories plagued her the whole night and she eventually gave up on sleep and sat curled on her bed and stared outside.

Eventually Emma was too exhausted and fell asleep again. It was morning when she woke up. She knew that they had to talk and it won't be easy. She at least hoped that she could see her girlfriend in the morning. She was however disappointed when she went downstairs and only found Henry eating breakfast.

"Hey kid, where's your mother?" She asked while trying to sound casual.

"She said she's going to the office to get something done. She won't be home till after lunch."

"Ok, thanks." She would lie if she said she wasn't disappointed and sad hearing that. She knew that Regina would probably try to avoid the conversation, but she wasn't expecting this much of avoidance. She was clearly trying to not be anywhere near Emma. She poured herself a cup of coffee. Which was usually waiting for her alongside her breakfast, but not today. "You still going with my parents for the camping trip?"

"Yeah, they will be here in ten minutes." He replied while still eating.

That brought a slight smile on her face. At least they had done something right. Henry was kind, smart and independent kid. "You got everything you need? All packed and ready to go?"

"Sure, everything I should need is packed. Mom already inspected it and added other not really needed things. I will be fine."

"I know that, kid. I just don't want to ride there in the middle of the night cause you forgot a toothbrush." She joked and ruffled his hair.

"Don't worry, won't happen. Mom gave me so many things, I could go camping for a whole week not two days."

"Yeah, that sounds like her." She sat down on a chair next to him a cradled the warm mug in her hands. The night spent alone left her cold. But somehow she knew it would feel the same even in the warmest clothes and blanket. She was brought to reality when she heard a car in the driveway. "Looks like they're already here. Be careful and have fun, alright?"

"I will. See you tomorrow night." He went to leave the kitchen but stopped in the door. "Are you Ok, Ma?"

"I'm fine, kid. Just tired and I feel a headache coming. I will probably take a nap or something."

"Ok, bye."

"Bye." When she heard the door close and car driving away, she let her mask slip. She was definitely not fine. But he didn't need to know that. That was her job, not his. He was already through too much. She suddenly felt so alone. The mansion was suddenly too silent and big. She decided she was going for a run, may be that could help a little.

Next few days were spent in a very similar way. Regina was still avoiding her, only talking to her if necessary and just about things concerning Henry or official town business. No more breakfasts or homemade lunches. The only meal she ate with her family was dinner and only because Regina didn't want Henry to worry. It didn't help and he asked both of them several times already, if there was something wrong. They both responded in negative and assured him that all is well. It was clear he didn't believe them. But he didn't push it any further, for now.

Emma was restless and more tired than ever. At night she couldn't sleep ad she spent her days thinking about the love of her life. She tried several times to talk to Regina. She even begged and cried. Nothing could make her Queen talk. She always snapped back and said something hurtful and looked at her with eyes colder and more emotionless than she ever saw them. And she saw her as the Evil Queen.

So here she was, alone at the station, because David went patrolling, hoping for a call or another distraction. About ten minutes later she got a call about domestic disturbance. This call however got to her. It left her shaking and reliving some of her memories. When she got to the scene she found a drunken middle aged man sleeping on the couch, his wife had several bruises all around her body and there was a little girl, about eight years old in a similar condition. It was clear that the girl was scared and she flinched every time someone was trying to touch her. She dealt with the situation by the book. Drunken man in cell n the station, mother and daughter in hospital, evidence and statements taken and records filed. She was pretty exhausted after that and the stress already got to her. She tried calling her girlfriend several times because she wanted to talk to someone. But she didn't answer or called back. So she called her best friend instead.

The minute Ruby stepped in her office, Emma broke. Ruby immediately went to hug her and whisper reassuring things in her ear. The blonde was crying so hard that neither of them noticed a lone figure in the shadows that backed off and silently went away.

After some time the blonde put herself together again and finally stopped crying. "Are you gonna be ok?" Ruby asked her went Emma pulled away from her embrace.

"I will, don't worry. This case just got to me." She cleared her face from tears and smiled at Ruby. "Thank you for coming, I really needed the hug."

"Don't mention it. I'm just happy it helped."

When Ruby went to stand she had hard time and Ruby assisted her. "And how is little wolf doing? You already look ready to pop."

"Driving me nuts with kicks and moving at night when I just want to sleep and she's always sitting on my bladder. My ankles are swollen and I eat food that even I find disgusting only thinking about it. My whole body just aches and I can barely do anything. Other than that I'm just peachy." She replied honestly but with a loving smile. "I can't wait for her to already be here."

"So just like I remember. I'm happy for you. Thanks again for coming and go rest. You will need it."

"Yeah, yeah. Come visit me sometimes. I barely even leave the house now, I could use the company."

"Sure I will call you. Need a ride home?"

"No, thanks. It's nice out, I want to walk for a little."

"Ok, bye and take care."

"Bye"

After Ruby left, she decided she's just too exhausted and after informing David, she went home for a small nap, may be even not so small. Henry was at a friend's house studying and he was going to sleep there. Regina should be at work for a while. So she was looking for some well deserved rest. She was mistaken however, when she looked to the stairs where Regina was sitting with a tumbler in her hands. Looking as cold as ever.

"Regina? What are you doing here?" Emma asked, already fearing her answer.

"That is not your concern." The brunette said and stood up. "I went to the station today to leave some paperwork for you. But you were too busy cuddling with Miss Lucas so I brought it to your room."

"What do you mean by cuddling? She comforted me because I was crying, that's all."

"You know, if you wanted to leave me, you could have just said so. I always knew you would not stay."

"What are you even talking about? I was upset and about to break down. I called you several times to talk to you. I hoped you would see how upset I was and maybe comfort me. But you were obviously too busy to answer calls from the woman you claim to love. Just like you are always too busy to even talk to me. So I am so very, very sorry for calling my best friend because I needed someone to hold me after the day I had." She took a deep breath and willed her tears not to fall. "You really want to make me guilty for accepting comfort when I needed it? And as far as Ruby and I go. I love someone with my whole heart, even though it's probably unrequited, and she's in a loving relationship and expecting her first child. So no, there is not, never was and never will be anything between Ruby and me. She's like a sister to me."

Emma turned around and breathed deeply to calm herself. When nothing from the other woman was heard, she faced her again. "Are you even going to say something or am I not important enough for that?" Still no response. "You know no one is going to think you are weak when you show your emotions, especially not me. Now would be a perfect time for you to try. Because the silent treatment and pretending I don't exist is not really the right response right now."

When she still didn't receive a response her shoulders dropped and her heart was aching more than she ever imagined could. Cora's hold on it when she tried to yank it out was just a fleeting itch compared to this. "Ok, if this is what you want. I just want you to be happy. If I can't give you that, I will have to learn to live with that." She started to go upstairs but stopped next to the frozen Mayor. "I don't even know why I allowed myself to hope for a family. I can never have it. No one ever wanted me to stay. I don't really know why I thought this time will be different." She went to her room and missed the tears that started to flow from the brunette's eyes.

She closed the door after herself and broke down when she reached her bed. She sobbed and cried till she couldn't anymore. She didn't know her sobbing was heard by Regina. She didn't even realize she never ate her lunch or dinner. She just laid there exhausted with her eyes open until she registered that sun was rising. She stood up, took clean clothes, masked any evidence of her tiredness and crying and went to go to work. Throughout the night she formed the walls around her heart again. The same walls she painfully lowered when she came to Storybrooke. She was never taking them down again. Not for anyone. The only person that will receive her love from now on will be Henry. Her other feelings were locked down and secured too deep for her to allow them to be seen.


End file.
